apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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