Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Those nachos came to me in a dream
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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