Nicole vs. Life
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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