Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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