I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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