It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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