Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
