Soap is not a condiment
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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