I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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