I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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