Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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