I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
