I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
