life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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