I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
