phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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