I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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