Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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