as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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