he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
