he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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