The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
