I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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