So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
