Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
