No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Randomize
