True but thats because hes a fetus.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
