you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
