summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
