I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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