I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
