Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
