he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
what is it with giant penises always finding me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out