she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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