Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
