I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i now understand why vodka
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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