Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
