We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
