Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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