theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
