I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
