I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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