First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
