It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
