When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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