What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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