I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
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I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize