The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
