I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
