my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
