We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
