I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
