at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
