I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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