Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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