I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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