my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
50% drunk capacity currently
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
